PLEASE READ! Please note that this is my personal journal. And when I get personal, the posts will be friend's only. Everyday stuff is public and you are very welcome to read and follow. I write about my actual life, thoughts and feelings towards any topic I feel like writing about. This is my journal, not a democracy. Don't be rude. Don't judge. If your looking for my icons, check surefinewhateva.
I think I sleep so deeply every single night because of this.
We have been back at the gym at least 3 days a week. I work in the yard when I am home early or clean a room of the house. There is no rest.
All I can think about is vacation. March cannot come soon enough. I think we are flying out to Miami for a week during spring break. We still have vouchers for three hundred dollars so the flights will be free for both of us.
I also bought a little surprise for Nicole for Chicago. Shhh.
I feel bad that after all my complaining, even to you guys, I am the one falling fast asleep these past few nights. Things have been much better though, trust me.
Totally left this up at work then walked away....my bad.
Today we biked through the streets of Florence. Riding was slightly terrifying. People are everywhere and it's easy to become separated. Cars ride so close to you that a mirror was about an inch from my head. It may have grabbed some strands of my hair as it passed us.
Nicole was separated from us by a bus for a few moments. I panicked, but kept going. When she caught back up I never left her side, but I could tell she was upset that I left her behind. A news station tried to interview us about a proposal to drill for oil in the sea, but the guide explained that we are Americans and don't speak Italian.
We saw many works of Michelangelo. It was slightly overwhelming because people are everywhere. The city is very crowded. There were sculptures and art everywhere with men protecting them with machine guns. It's such a different feel than at home.
Tensions were high and I needed some space from everyone. Got separated from my parents, but it was ok. I needed to cry it out after the stress from the vacation so far. It was a horrible trip out there, horrible night in Florence getting on the wrong trains, and I running on no sleep. Nicole and I got a beer from a cafe, but it wouldn't do much to soothe me as it was non-alcoholic. Oh, yes... I'm sick of ITALIAN. All I want is English.
This may be the most miserable trip of my entire life. How did this happen? I can't even begin to express the disappointment, frustration, or exhaustion I feel at this moment. To top it off, there may or may not be a used condom stuck to the bottom of my shoe and a strange man about 3 inches from my nose. I didn't know they even made elevators this tiny, but I would never try to cram 5 adults into one again. Lesson of the day: always take the stairs.
When I woke up this morning I was more excited for this trip than any I have ever been on. I finished packing my bag which had been mostly packed for the past week. It was a brand new backpack from Nicole's parents, and I had organized it extremely carefully to maximize space. I wrote out instructions for the cat sitter (my coworker, Ashley), and then glanced out the window to see nothing but giant snow flakes covering the yard. What? There was no snow on the forecast for today. I should have known then that this day would be bad luck, but it didn't shake me too much. Guess we would be leaving a little earlier than planned.
It took twice as long to get to the airport parking. Ice covered roads with little visibility made it treacherous driving, and our speed was consistently less than 40 mph. Nicole's hands were clenched to the wheel so tight I thought she might lose circulation. We stopped twice to clear ice off the car that piled up faster than the Prius could melt it. We made it to the airport safe, and I began to think the worst part of this trip was behind us with that two hour car ride.
Of course DTW security was in normal pissy asshole mood. Nicole removed her belt and they made her put it back on saying we were pre-checked. Well, it set off the metal detector which prompted a lecture about metal going through a metal detector. THEN DON'T TELL HER TO LEAVE IT ON ASSHAT.
Well of course the plane was delayed so we had plenty of time to chat with my parents, eat dinner, and board while they de-iced the plane for us. Unfortunately, this set us back a few hours. By the time we landed in Chicago, American Airlines did not have a gate for us. We sat on the runway for over 45 minutes. I called American Airlines customer service from the plane, but there was a no hold policy for flights. While waiting for a gate, our flight to Rome boarded and took off without us. At this point I was livid. It's the airlines responsibility to either get us off the plane or hold our gate until we can board. I WAS AT THE AIRPORT. I could understand if I was still in Detroit or still in the air, but seriously? To make matters worse, there was no other flight to Rome leaving that day. They put us on a flight to London instead.
Although American Airlines considered us lucky to get a flight overseas that night, we got stuck with the worst seats on the plane. They were pushed up against the last wall and did not recline....perfect for a red eye right? I unsuccessfully tried to sleep, but just ended up watching Concussion and Brooklyn instead. When I finally dozed off for about 20 minutes, the sun came up and they served us breakfast. Sleep was just not going to be an option. A lack of tailwind that day meant we arrived late, again. Lacking a runway to land on, we circled the airport for about 20 minutes and we became dangerously close to missing our connection to Rome, again.
When we got off the plane the attendants marked us with Orange priority stickers and we sprinted through the airport. We had to go through security AGAIN because British Airways flew out of a different terminal. I didn't grab my contacts out of my bag and they had to take everything out and search it. They have a very strict liquids policy there apparently. My carefully packed bag was dumped out and searched in a city I wasn't even supposed to be in, and have never been to. My body was exhausted. My mind was exhausted. They called me love and mate a few times which made me smile, but the best thing was that they did hold the plane for me. Not like it was going anywhere fast... the water in Rome was bad so they had to restock it with London water before we departed. I felt and looked like a mess as I boarded another plane for another 3 hours. They fed us cheese and pickle sandwiches and honestly it was a highlight of my trip. I think I may be slightly obsessed with cheese and pickles from now on.
We landed in Rome and took a train to Bologna, which brings me to this nasty elevator. We started this trip at 11:30 AM on a Sunday, in a blizzard. It's now a little after 9 PM on a Monday in Italy where it is approximately 70 degrees. When we checked in, the man at the desk insisted on showing us our rooms. After an extremely uncomfortable elevator ride I finally sat down on a bed, but not even a real bed. They don't seem to know what a double bed is in Italy, and every bed from then on would be the same: two twin beds pushed together.
We decided to venture out a few blocks down to the only restaurant open at that time: a vegan place. I personally don't care, but I think everyone else groaned a bit. I had amazing gnocchi with veggies, and tried my first authentic Italian dessert. It was called "Amaretta," which tasted a lot like quinoa pudding to me. It didn't taste as awful as your imaging right now, but it didn't taste great either. I still haven't slept, but it can only go up from here right?
I didn't like you much when you were born. It never seemed fair to me that you were to be thrown into my life without any say from me. You were to share my room, my toys, my clothes, MY things. Part of the jealousy I experienced came even from your name, "Angela." It seemed unjust that after just one year of my life, our parents decided that your name be holier than mine. Pft! Your name means "Angel?" ANGEL? SERIOUSLY? I hoped God wasn't going to judge me based on that later. It was like an instant competitor had been set aside me for eternity, and I was already losing. A part of me was excited. A part of me knew this was a big responsibility. I held my held high, which wasn't very high, but as high as a one year old was capable. I carried on with my new life. I was now a big sister.
Unfortunately, I did not want to compete. I did not ask for a competitor. I actually wanted a sister. I wanted a partner in crime. I wanted someone to share my secrets with. I wanted someone to give advice to. I wanted a sister that I saw on TV. I wanted a best friend. I wanted a sister I could mold into a better version of myself... But that person wasn't you.
You took the opposite side of every argument. You aspired to be nothing like me. You thought my advice was useless. You didn't want to wear my clothes. You didn't want to like the same things. The only way to make ourselves feel better was to push the other down. We led such separate lives that we could go months living in the same house without talking.
Even our astrology signs were 180 degrees apart from one another. Our personalities clashed. I could never understand you. You could never understand me. I am sad to say that you don't even know me as a person anymore. The times have changed and I have changed. You have changed too. We are no longer little babies, or children, or teenagers, but adults. We are not little girls. We are women. There are no toys to share. We live in different parts of the country. We just have photos and memories and stories that go untold to one another.
I have seen how caring you are towards those you cherish. You make so much time for family. You have always said how important family is to you. You maintained relationships with everyone else... even those who didn't appreciate having you around or who were horrible to me. All for the sake of shared blood. After Mary Lou died there was a light in my heart. I thought the family divide would end and we could finally be a family, but it has just wedged us more apart. It's ironic that you wish to appease the dead and gone over the living in the name of "family."
I will never know anything about you, and I have come to accept that. You do not cherish family. You see what you want to see and that is it. You will always see me as a jealous one year old.
You may be stuck in the past, but I will not be. I have replaced you with others who rank above you. Some people say you will come around, but I doubt it. Blood may be thicker than water to you... but I have my own blood. I rather have a glass of water.
I don't understand why some people put themselves in situations to be used by others.
I heard drake when he said "know yourself, know your worth."
You deserve so much more. And it also sucks when you have to be the "bad guy" and tell someone that. Like hey I treat you like shit, ignore you, don't make time for you, like what the fuck are you doing?? Get out of here!
There's always a feeling of rejection but it's good for you. I hate seeing other people let themselves be used. Someone is gonna appreciate you and sticking around with the wrong person is not gonna help you.
You will never be happy. Leave room for the right relationships to come into your life.
I just am not ready to jump into anything too fast with anyone. It's such a hard boat to be in since in the past I've always just jumped into relationships.
I've prayed a lot this week and anyone who knows me, knows I'm not very religious. But I feel like I've been spoken too. Which by the way is quite ridiculous to think God has any time to sit down and restructure my life. Is he finally responding to the requests I've been sending my whole life? I feel like that's the wait time on these things... 25 years. With that being sad, I better pay attention because the next time he will speak is when I'm 50 and by then it will surely be too late.
But I've had amazing luck and an amazing push in the right direction.
And I know he's telling me to just let things progress on their own... Stop pushing... Stop forcing. And I think that includes dating.
I haven't been on tinder or any dating sites because I'm just not interested or ready. And I'm glad with the current people in my life and friend group.
Slow and steady always wins the race. I can handle that. :)
This is a public service announcement: Break-ups are not contagious. You can not catch "divorce." So to anyone who suddenly is keeping their distance or walking on eggshells around me, you're embarrassing yourself.
My relationship status will not and can not affect you.
No happy marriage has ever ended in divorce. So if you're happy, you are fine.